Madness
by lord guardian of metal jesus
Summary: you know how it goes some accident transports the author and his amazing friends to another world and suddenly they have powers beyond anything ever seen... Yeah this ain't that. Crack!fic
1. How it came to be

Self insert madness

chapter 1 How it came to be

I was bored. It was that simple. Let it be known that whatever happens it was because I was bored. After this week it was decided by my friends that I was never allowed to be bored EVER again. Everything started normally. I was at the canteen with Jade , Andrew and Shania. I was talking to Jade about music while Andrew and Shania stared lovingly into each other's eyes-  
>''Ow , don't hit me , fine I'll change it''<br>While Andrew and Shania made passionate love with their ey-  
>''FUCK , take a joke asshole , ow ow ow no that's my liver I might need that one day.''<br>I swear some people have no respect for an author's vision. Jade and I were talking while I took the piss out of Andrew and Shania to break up the sexual tension... ''what nothing , sweet they must not be listening , if you haven't already noticed taking the piss out of their relationship is my favourite hobby and you should expect it to happen often, shit they're coming back , don't rat me out they might not notice.''

Maybe I should start again it's not going how I hoped. It was a perfectly ordinary day. No sign that anything exciting was going to happen. Well I suppose that's not true , there was one indication , the date today was February 14th valentines day. It has been suggested that for me to receive a valentines card would punch a hole in the fabric of reality who would have thought Jake would be right for once ? It was a very nice card to be honest , not overly frilly or pink and it came with bubble wrap to pop so clearly whoever sent knew me and had good taste. I turned to Jade to ask if she knew who sent the card when I saw something peculiar. There was a black dot above Jade's head. Shit a black dot getting a lot larger. The black hole quickly began to suck the four of us in as we grabbed onto tables. Jade was taken completely by surprise and was sucked in instantly. I grabbed Jade's coat (she's always complaining about being cold) and my bag and jumped in after her , at least something interesting was happening now. It looked like Shania would be next but in a feat showing that true love conquers all Andrew threw Shania back dooming himself in the process. As Andrew fell in the portal closed , looks like Shania won't be joining us on this trip how ever will Andrew cope?

We were dead. We had to be dead. We were gonna come to on a bed of clouds and as Jade gets into heaven me and Andrew will fall into a lake of fire while she grows angel wings and flips us off. Yeah she does that sometimes. We were in hell. Hell was...a lot greener than I thought it'd be.  
>''Get your lazy ass off the ground'' and there was the oh so sweet voice of our resident angel.<br>''Where the hell are we'' wasn't I in such a happy mood? There was a strange sight in front of me. A blonde haired boy in an orange...jumpsuit...whiskers.  
>''Oh you have got to be shitting me !''<p>

A/n and that's chapter 1 no idea where to go from here. sorry I've not posted in so long. real life is kicking my ass and it's hard to write eroninja while trying to think about serious stuff :( But for now I'm back bitches.


	2. A fanboy's dream

Self insert Madness chapter 2 A fanboy's dream

Despite my previous assertions that it was because I was bored I have decided from this point on that it was Jade's fault. Not sure why yet but it seems likely. ''Hey don't blame me for your mistakes''  
>''oh come on that wasn't my fault I was in shock''<br>''says the boy who can have a panic attack and not notice.''  
>Ok so maybe there's some debate on who's at fault but really what the fuck?<p>

I had been dreading this day. Clearly I had completly lost my shit if I was seeing Naruto Uzumaki trying to work out who we were.  
>Maybe this temporary insanity is what caused this little outburst.<br>It was Sakura's fault, she came over screeching at Naruto to get away from the poor girl.  
>Now I admit I've been mistaken for a girl a lot, I have hair longer than most girls so it's expected. On most days I would have let it go, on most days I wasn't sucked into a black hole and half deafened by Sakura fucking Haruno. Forgive me if maybe I got a little moody.<br>''oh my god someone's shaved a monkey and taught it English'' three guesses who that was.  
>Considering her reaction most people would say it wasn't worth it, I am not most people. She punched me.<br>In the face.  
>Hard enough that I was sent flying into a tree.<p>

But that's not important. What is important is the reaction of my friends. Andrew as expected was pissing himself laughing, Jade however was not. You see we come from a land where punching someone in the face is not considered an acceptable means of self-expression. Jade normally limits it to kicking me in the nuts or punching me in the stomach.  
>''hey I'm not that bad.''<br>''sorry but you are though congratulations you haven't attacked me in a week. Really I'm proud of you''  
>Anyway back to the story.<p>

I'm not sure what I was expecting from her. Maybe laughter or the obligatory  
>''you deserved it'' but no jade actually surprised me.<br>She slapped Sakura. Hard. I was watching one of my dreams come true. Sakura was finally getting slapped for attacking people that don't deserve it. Someone had actually defended me, which never fucking happens in the real world.  
>''You can't hit Samuel like that.'' I've not actually seen Jade this pissed before.<br>''Well what do you know, she does care, yay.'' Apparently my reaction to concussion is the same as my reaction to everything else, sarcasm.  
>Despite this I really was touched that Jade was protecting me from the scary banshee demon. Too bad she had to ruin it with what she said next.<br>''Only I can hit Samuel like that.'' I know the look on my face at the time must have been funny because it had Andrew collapsing to the floor laughing. But trust me it gets a LOT better.  
>How? How can it get better than Sakura Haruno getting bitchslapped?<br>Three words, Ninja Cat fight.  
>''Andrew take my phone out of my pocket I'm getting this on video''<p>

A/n Sorry I'm sure you're all looking forward to the fight but I'll have to talk to Jade about that one first. The results should be interesting if I survive. Review with what you think. See ya next time on Self insert Madness


	3. An Author's tale

self insert madness chapter 3 An Author's tale

When one thinks of a cat fight they tend to imagine biting , clawing , hair pulling , stuff like that.  
>When one think ninja fight you think swords , murder , poison and the like.<br>Apparently Jade was the only one that understood the 'ninja' part of ninja cat fight because while me and Andrew were trying to find my camara , Naruto and Sasuke were laughing and brooding respectivly Sakura was trying to claw Jade's eyes and her response was a simple punch to the face and the stomach that adequatly showed the difference between a fangirl and a girl with 5 years of martial arts training. The problem was... things got serious really fast. I wasn't used to people other than me having kunai ( yes I have kunai and swords in my house) so watching Sakura pull a knife on my best friend may have caused me to overreact just a tiny bit.  
>'' she was in the hospital for three weeks and refused to get within 20 feet of our team since she got out and you call that overacting a TINY BIT!'' ''well yeah she's alive so far as I'm concerned she was lucky''<br>Ok so you know how I said that I had swords and stuff? Well they weren't just used for decoration. Unlike Jade I learned to fight on the streets. Now the thing is that I'm meant to be a pacifist , don't hurt people , the issue is I'm a SHITE pacifist.  
>Back to the story.<br>Sakura had just managed to get a cut on Jade. A very thin cut , wouldn't even scar. The cut I gave Sakura scarred big time.  
>I grabbed the kunai and held it against her throat and then stabbed her with it. Cruel? yes . Unnessessary? probably.<br>But it worked. Unfortunatly it pissed off Naruto but thankfully between us we got her to Tsunade in time and everything was resolved with a black mark on my record for my first attempted murder.  
>On the trip there Jade spent most of it looking at me shocked. But I could tell that she like myself and Andrew were being hit with memories that weren't ours. Years in the academy , graduating to Team Dropout , an entire life.<br>It was bollocks. Only way to describe it. I wanted something new. Instead it's the same old story of a lazy kid and his 2 psycho friends- and before you hit me I never said I wasn't crazy aswell

A/n before people give me crap about overpoweredness. Jade DOES have 5 years of martial arts experiance. I DO have a kunai , a wakizashi , a zaitochi and various weapons that I know how to use and I DID learn a lot about how to fight from crazy people , where I live isn't a safe place especially for a long haired nerd with glasses and an interest in heavy metal


	4. A Stoner's story

self insert madness chapter 4 A Stoner's Story

It had been 3 months since we had arrived in the naruto world and the fight between Jade and Sakura and her subsequent hopsitalisation , so far it seemed like we had adjusted fairly well- bwhhhahahaaha- shut up andrew.  
>Ok so 2 of us had been adjusting fairly well. I have some issues with authority. That is why I am currently standing outside the Hokage's office trying to think of a good enough excuse or a way of avoiding Tsunade entirely.<p>

279 counts of insubordination, 23 counts of harrassment, 4 counts of grevious bodily harm, 2 counts of attempted murder and 7 counts of breaking and entering into the Hyugga compound hotsprings (dont ask I'll explain later). I think there were a few other things but I had stopped caring by that point. It was at that moment that I came across an idea. The Hokage had a meeting with the council in 2 hours. I can avoid ANBU for an hour easily. As such I was carried into Tsunade's office an hour later entirely calm because I HAD A PLAN!  
>-Oh here we go- come on Jade it's not that bad. - this is the first time your explaining how you escaped that meeting and that was years ago-<p>

'where have you been? That will be another count of insubordination.' There were the dulcet tones of our teams incompetent and nameless jounin sensei.  
>'Explain where you have been for the past hour and why my ANBU had to search for you' that was Tsunade and there was my cue to start bullshitting.<br>'well I was just carried away attempting to explain something VERY complicated... but it doesn't really matter I don't think you could understand it anyway' this little barb left Tsunade exactly as angry as I was hoping. 'No really I insist you explain ' Tsunade said through gritted teeth.  
>-Jade, Andrew before you kill me it was the only way and I was kind of drugged at the time-WHAT?-trust me just don't ask but you remember that restraining order on Shizune for trying to remove my bones with a scalpel it kind of involves that- ok you were right I don't want to know-<p>

'ok then it all started with me trying to explain this to Neji because of the thing that happened in the hotsprings and I didn't want to get my balls jyukened off because of a misunderstanding. I don't like Hanabi she's FAR FAR too young for me. Neji then asked me then who did I like and why I was invading the girls side of the Hyuuga hotsprings.  
>Then it got complicated' Now it became a question of whether I could drag this explanation out until her meeting so I was gonna need to really make proper bullshit.<p>

'ok I'm asexual but not aromantic and I like Jade. Jade doesn't like anyone but to get this guy to stop flirting with her pretended that we were going out. Couper likes this girl from one of the villages on a C rank a while ago (shania) but Tenten likes him and was really freaking him out so pretended to be going out with me. Sakura tried to ask me out to make Sasuke jealous but I wasn't interested but didn't want to upset her because she has a few issues after the incident, so I told her I was going out with Hinata and then told Hinata that I was gay and hoped she'd cover for me with Sakura. She did but then told Shino and it turns out he likes me. Nothing against Shino but I can't deal with bugs that close to me and I'm not actually gay but didn't want to upset Shino. Shino had actually heard about my fake realationship with Jade that I had told Tenten was just a cover but then managed to convince Shino that I WAS gay but that I was actually gender-confused and a lesbian going out with Jade and then Kiba said that he could smell Tenten on me because of a little fight because she can be a bit closeminded and it was at that point that Shino thought that I was cheating on Jade which made me panic and I ended up saying that it was an open relationship but could Shino keep it secret. At that point Neji got pissed because he has a thing with Tenten and tried to kill me anyway and that was how the ANBU found me with no access to my chakra nailed to the wall of the hotsprings and Neji on fire hanging from a lamp post.' Easily took an hour before she could make sense of that story even with the flow chart I drew on her desk and so I was once again a free man thanks to the impeccable timing of the council.  
>-YOU TOLD HER WHAT!-I'm not fucking gay Samuel-I'm not in a lesbian relationship with Tenten or you-<br>Yeah I know I never said any of it was true I needed to avoid being exiled or executed so sorry I wasn't able to think of a way of doing it without compromising your dignity.

OMAKE  
>Why Shizune wants my head on a stick<p>

It was all Kiba's 's my story and I'm sticking to it. He did something very stupid and my revenge happened to hit the wrong person. He was talking to me everything was normal. Kiba isn't exactly the greatest when it comes to women. However that does not excuse what he said. He asked whether I was going out with Tenten . I said no . He said that he was glad she was single because and I quote 'she was a fine piece of ass'. I like Tenten. Any girl with such a love of stabby things clearly has her priorities straight. I couldn't just let Kiba get away with that. What I did was steal a few things from his sister. Being a vet and an Inuzuka she had access to a couple of pheromones that would simulate that of a dog in heat. You see where I'm going with this? I managed to get enough to fill a bucket. I knew Kiba had a physical because of an injury Hinata told me about. My plan was a classic bucket on top of the doorframe. The problem was Kiba wasn't the first person to come out of the room , Shizune was. At first she was annoyed , she thought it was just water , she was chasing me probably to lecture me and probably would have forgiven me. I'm not a nice person. I ran through the Inuzuka compound dove through a window into the room their clan was meeting in waited for Shizune to follow then jumped out the opposite window. Shizune wasn't so lucky. When she finally managed to get away she had to burn the clothes she had been wearing , preferably using me or my house as kindling. To make things worse I discovered something very funny. Adolescent male Inuzuka are quite effected by the pheromones I used that's why only vets were meant to have access to them. Kiba had another physical with her about 3 days after. He won't tell me what happened and Shizune still attempts to kill me on sight but all I know is that Kiba walked into that room and was wheeled out of it , with a massive handprint across his face. Shizune did eventually find out about what was meant to happen and decided that it was a good idea to drug me with a mild hallucinogen before team training hoping I'd do something stupid or get murdered I'm sure. Unfortunately for her that was the day I had my meeting with the Hokage and it all worked out in my favour. Appropriate revenge on Kiba still pending

A/n well good luck making sense of that one. Just to make absolutly certain none of this is real. While I am asexual but not aromantic everything from that point onward is made up. About the chapter name I've never been high it's only a reference to Shizune's revenge


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